"It’s amazing. Some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changed the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they dont know it, it still happens."
There’ll always be that first true love. The one you first spent the night crying for. The one that never really worked out but you kept your hopes up too much. The one who got away. The one who taught you all you need to know about love. And the one that until now, is still the one you look back to whenever you try to love again.
You will never fall in love the same way twice.
My little snowball of Joy.♥
Goodbyes are never easy.
I wasn’t prepared for this, at least not for now. I’ve always tried to put up a strong front about it but this time ‘round I’m utterly broken.
I still remember the day we bought furball together, how we chose her among the rest of her breed, how we pick her up delicately and how we spend the entire night playing with her. She spent most of her younger days over at your place and we brought her around everywhere we went, we brought her to town in her little pet carrier and pink ball and even brought her to Rebel where after that your friends would play with that little white fatball of ours. She’s always rolling around the living room in her little pink ball and we’d pen down her daily activities in our diary, Hotcakes. And the sweetest thing you’ve did for her was waking up middle of the night to feed her water from her little pink water bottle cos you were worried she’s thirsty from all that running. Eventually, I took over the responsibilities of taking care of her however I spend most of my time in school and over at yours, I hardly get to spend much time with her but whenever I do, I’d have a great playtime with her.
Furball was really tiny and active in her early days, constantly running on her pink wheel day and night, she bloated to a big fatball after a year due to excessive greedy snacking and now she’s small and fragile due to old age and illness. I have been warned that she’s aging and she hardly plays with her toys and pink wheels. Then one day, I found her sleeping in her favorite corner covered in blood, parts of the cage were splattered with blood too and after seeing the vet, she was diagnosed with internal tumor and there’s nothing the vet could do about it. She will be able to live as per normal under medication but if it occurs again, furball will lose too much red blood cells from the bleeding, eventually she will be so sick he may have to put her to sleep.
Furball’s sucha sweetheart, she has given me so much joy for the past 2 years, I can’t just watch her bleed to death. I spent hours on the internet reading up on hamster with tumors. I changed her dietary intakes, gave her vitamins/medications and monitor her condition all day long. I tried to stay home as often as possible to take care of her to ensure her well being yet she’s still bleeding due to her discomfort. I’m devastated yet there’s none I can share my woes with and there’s no way I can do to help her lessen her pain and sufferings except looking at her and patting her. The vet told me even if I put her through more medications and a risky sugery, she might not stand a chance to survive for long as she’s old and weak now.
I’m bad at dealing with losses and I’d just end up crying for hour. I felt so helpless and I’ve been drowned in this negativity for far too long. They say the reason why I’m so emotionally attached to her was simple, that she’s all that I’ve left of you, that she’s all that I’ve left of our love. But they don’t understand that it was far more than that. She’s grown to be part of my life, part of my family’s life and she’s the only one who never fail to brighten up my day by greeting me excitedly whenever I pass by her cage. Even on days I’m rushing to head out, she’d still crawl up by the edge, hoping I’d pick her up to play with her or give her some snacks to nom on. That said, this feels like a major guilt trip hitting on me, tellin’ me what’s worse than having such regrets for taking her presence for granted and having her go through this hardship. “People say “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” Truth is, you knew what you had right from the start but you just never thought you’d lose it.” That is why I don’t bother explaining to ‘em cos they wouldn’t understand, I kept it within for thus long, hoping things will eventually get better.
And at this point of time, the person who I least expected from send this message to me and I was sobbing like a baby after reading it.
“You have tried very hard and helped furball so much to deal with her illness, and I know you love her lots but if all the vets have said she cannot be helped then you need to search deep into your heart to find the last and greatest love which is to give her peaceful rest when you know she is in pain and cannot get better. I pray you will have the strength to know when the time has come. There is no greater love you can give and she will understand and thank you for knowing.”
There it is, if I could extend your life for a little longer, I would. But I wouldn’t want you to be suffering in pain, I rather you be in a better place than to go through this torment. My heart ache every single time I see you struggling to balance on your paws and having so much difficulties breathing. That’s when I knew I’ve to make the tougher decision even if it kills me to do so. Goodbye my precious princess furball, you’d always be in mummy’s heart.